1. Your eyes betray lust, weariness, arrogance, and existential despair. You don’t want strangers on the street seeing that.
2. Similarly, perhaps you don’t want them to see crows’ feet, dark circles, or pinkeye.
3. Put your hair up and look like Audrey Hepburn. Put your hair down and look like Jackie O.
4. Putting them on and taking them off can be honed into the perfect dramatic gesture with enough practice. I recommend working on this with the aid of a mirror.
5. Perhaps mosquitos won’t bite you if they think you’re a massive, frightening insect.
6. Even if the rest of your outfit is a tracksuit, they look pretty glamorous.
7. The bigger they are, the harder they are to accidentally leave sitting on a park bench.
8. Other people will see themselves reflected in the shades. Perhaps this will make them subconsciously like you.
9. If you’re The Terminator, they do a good job of covering up your frightening robot parts and lack of a soul.
10. And yes, they keep out the sun and harmful UV rays and blah, blah, blah.
